I spend a lot of time thinking.  Thinking about what I've said or done or not said or not done.  I find myself reliving moments and trying to figure out how I could have done it better.  When I get a moment, that's what I find myself doing, thinking.  That's why I love writing so much.  I try not to say too much with my mouth.  Which seems ridiculous being that I am in ministry and should have a few answers.  Mostly because the speaking doesn't work out so well for me.  What goes on inside my head never really comes out through my mouth the same way.  Anybody else have that problem?  It's like I just need a minute to think about what's going on before I have any idea what to do or say back.  And the most frustrating thing for me in that moment is to have someone else say what they think I am thinking or trying to say.  But if I respond too soon, I find myself wishing I could have the moment back to just start all over. We watched a movie the other night where this guy took a drug that caused his brain to function at 100% and everything he had ever seen or heard was immediately just there and his brain knew exactly what to do.  It really made me wonder what all used to be inside of me.  Also wondered is it still there and my forgetful brain just....forgets it?  Although it seems possible, I would never for one use drugs but for another, I'm not so sure that God would want us to function at 100%.  I am definitely one of those people who think so much that I start scaring myself and doubting lots of things because the longer you think inside of your own brain, the more you realize you don't know that much.  Or maybe you are the opposite!  But for me, I've made it this far relying a lot more on God's direction than relying on what I know.  For many reasons I don't want to get into, school didn't do a whole lot for me.  Very sad to say that but it's true.  I hate reading, have a hard time listening for any extended period of time, knew too much about the people in authority over me, was always always extremely sleepy, and thought I would never use half of what they were trying to teach me. It's embarrassing.  But here I am telling you about it.  Why?  Because I've learned so much in the last 14 years of my life since being out of school that I can't help but think what if I had both, the knowledge I could have had from school and the knowledge I now have from life experiences.  Maybe I could have been everything God wanted me to be.  Not looking for sympathy or compliments of any kind.  I simply get frustrated with myself and my inability to be more.  And I have a dream life.  God has blessed me with everything I could have asked for.  It's not that I'm unhappy in the least bit.  I just want to BE more for everyone around me.  I want to say the right things in the moment.  Not have to sit down and think about it for an hour just to figure out my responses.  Or go back and apologize for saying the wrong thing. All of these are MY human natural feelings.  And my honesty coming out but as I am writing, I can hear the spirit of God saying to me, "Whether you can speak or not, I created your heart.  Whether you can read a full book and remember it or not, I have written your name in the Book of Life.  You are my child and the things of this earth will soon fade away, these will remain, faith hope and love!  The victory is mine not yours.  In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.  MY words are the words in your heart.  Not the words from a book.  Be faithful, your joy comes in the morning.  The morning is when you wake up.  Keep your eyes open and your joy will be ALL that this world could not give!  And now I am bawling because I'm reminded that every good and perfect gift comes from above.  The trials that we seem to face won't last.  And in the moment that we turn our eyes away from HIM and began to focus on our weakness is the moment that his spirit draws us back.  Our focus is what matters.  Whether we have failed our teachers, our parents, our children or ourselves, the only way to fail God is to turn our focus on our failures.  We are human.  We are nothing without Jesus!  But with him anything is possible.  This joy that I have, the world didn't give it and the world can't take it away!! :)  I want to leave you and myself (thanks God for reminding me of it:)) with one of my most favorite quotes:  "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care"