In May of 2004 I was writing to one of my students who was dealing with some hurtful girls that basically made her life harder every day. I was trying to explain to her what it meant to be a friend and how she had no obligation to commit herself to those girls even though they called themselves her friends. I told her this "Being a friend means believing in someone when no one else does. It means loving them when they don't love you back. It means forgiving them when they don't ask for it, and wanting the best for them when they don't deserve it." I was trying to show her that she was being a friend to them but that what she was receiving in return was not friendship.
So tonight I've been thinking about a lot of things. I feel sad because my friends who know me inside, who love me anyway:), and who want to be with me just as much as I want to be with them are so far away that it's just been year after year of non-stop wishing, hoping, dreaming that maybe someday we will actually end up in the same place. And for me, as selfish as it may sound, childish even, I feel like maybe God doesn't even want me to have a person like that in my life. I look back and remember each friend that I've had and of the ones that took no effort in making, I can probably count on one hand. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way but it's hard to overlook the fact that here I am back in that place again. I am not in a lonely place. I am married to my best friend in the entire world and I would rather be with him any day of the week than anyone else on earth. And God has placed people in my life currently who have been there for me and I know honestly have my best interest at heart. But as I look back on advice I actually gave to other girls, I am realizing how true it is...teenager or not.
Sadly, the ones who "click" from day one will be few and in my case, temporary. The majority of the time we will have to be the friend who doesn't receive the friendship in return. I think about all my friends in full-time ministry who give and give only to have smiles in their faces with knives in their backs. I think about those that I honestly do wish the best for even though they don't deserve it and I wonder if they were ever meant to be a friend to me or if it was only me meant to be a friend to them. It gets tiring to try to figure out if it's going to work out, if people even care or if they are just "doing" what they have been taught to do. I wonder if my kids will notice how much effort it takes me to be real in not faking trying to make something come natural that probably never will but pray they don't. I don't really expect anyone to understand what I just said:) But it makes sense to me.
I am an only child who was raised with boy cousins and boy friends. I sometimes just do not understand or honestly even want to figure out how women take so much work. That's why it's so incredibly hard for me to lose the ones I do "get" that "get" me back. And I realize how whiny this entire post sounds to most of you but it's how I feel. Maybe just maybe someone else does too!
Either way though, be thankful for the people God brings your way. Learn from them. Don't expect too much. Just give all you can and try to remember even in your humanness (which I am obviously feeling right now) there is a purpose for your life and the purpose is not to please you!
"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly" -Sanctus Real
Nothing without Jesus!
Suzanne
