Danielle, from the movie Ever After said, "If you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners corrupted from infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded, sire, but that you first make thieves and then punish them?" This quote says a lot to me. Not necessarily about thieves but anyone we choose to look down on; including our own children. As your children grow up make sure what you are putting in is what you want to come out. We can't wait on them hand and foot, giving them all of their desires at the drop of a hat, and expect to raise a strong, independent, responsible adult. If we laugh because they hit, slap, get angry and show cute little "fits of rage", as babies, we can't expect them to know how to handle conflict properly as they begin to grow up. If they only see and hear us pray at church we should never expect them to have a real relationship with Jesus; even if we do have our own “private time with God”. Do they know what that even means? If we simply sleep with them, or have them sleep with us, because they are afraid of the dark or have bad dreams, we can't expect their spirit to know how to rise up within them and cast out the fear that tries to control their life. If we show no respect to the people in our house, no grace, no gentleness, no patience, no laughter, no peace, no commitment or no self discipline, we will raise our children to be exactly those kind of people. If we say, "We can do this but you can't.", we are teaching them that the standard is lower for us as parents; which will cause them to "desire" the day when they get to lower the standard for themselves.
It's so hard to do things the right way. We all mess up, as parents, every single day. We must get up and try again. We have to think about the things we say and do. Is that what we want to hear and see from our children? When we do mess up, we should tell them:
1. I was wrong.
2. I'm sorry.
3. This is what I should have done instead.
4. This is how I will work to change that.
5. I love you and my mistakes have nothing to do the you. I am the only one responsible for what I say and do.
Aren't these the things we are trying to get our children to say to us? We must first show them how to say it. Even if we choose not to say it, receiving grace and mercy from our children is the easy part. They are very forgiving, yay, BUT we are still is forming who they are and what they know to be true. Here are some "truths" we are teaching them:
Mommy tells Daddy it's ok for us when he already said no. Child thinks, "Score!!!!" What's now true for them? What Daddy says doesn't matter when Mommy's around.
If Mommy says no candy and I keep asking she'll say yes. Why do they think that? Because we did that (me included)! The truth for them? Mommy doesn't really mean what she says.
Child doesn’t understand how to do their homework. Daddy is in the middle of watching a ballgame. Child asks for help. Daddy says, “I think you are smart enough to figure it out! Just keep trying!” The truth for this child? Daddy thinks football is more important than me.
If it's ok for my 5 year old to have a boyfriend, I can't expect that same child to not want one at 14. If they've already had 10 along the way, I can't expect their heart to be healthy enough to handle a relationship the right way because they will have already had many unnecessary rejections. If these events have been a part of that child's life since 5 years old, they now see themselves in a completely distorted way. The truth for that 5, 10, 14 year old girl? If someone breaks up with me, that means I'm not good enough. If someone doesn't ask me out, that means I'm not good enough. No matter how much a parent speaks words of affirmation into a child's life, they weren't made to deal with that stuff at the same time in their lives as they were made to play pretend.
If we want them to have a goal and reach it, we must have our own goals and be reaching them. If we feed them grapes and eat ice cream after they go to bed because we don't want them to be unhealthy like us, we can count on them eventually being unhealthy. Our actions prove what we believe is true, not our words! Truth for our children is only true, to them, when they see that we believe it with our actions. It's not just what they see us do or not do. It really is who we are that matters. We don't raise what we want, we raise who we are.
Your children will be what you show them is ok to be when they see what's ok for you. It's that simple. Show them what's ok. If you don't show them what's right, don't expect them to listen to your constant complaining about what they have become. All they will do is look in the mirror, see YOU, despise the person they are and despise the person they see.
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