Keep Me Out Of The Way

I used to think that people who were "good" were right!  So people who were "bad" were wrong!  And then I grew up and here is what happened.  Dancing, movies, short skirts, rock music, black eye shadow, tattoos, all these things weren't "bad" anymore!  And spanking your children so they will learn that life has consequences, riding your bicycle to the gas station by yourself to get 2 cent bubble gum at the age of 7, playing outside with NO sunscreen, and drinking whole milk, well all of these things weren't "good" anymore!  I began thinking about the rules I'd been given, that I KNEW I'd give my children!  And then I thought about how different those were from the ones my parents had been given.  I started thinking about all my reasons for why I had been so "good" and others had been so "bad".  And yes, I LOVED Jesus and still have no regrets for the things I chose to stay away from but in raising my own kids, there are questions everyday that I have to pray God will show me the answers for.  I struggle with why and if things are wrong and how long it has been wrong and does that mean in a few more years it won't be wrong anymore.  I remember a day when I would see a black man with a white woman and think "I hope I'm not standing by them when the rapture takes place".  Good grief!!!  So sad but so true and I believed those things were wrong!!  But today, I don't and neither do the people that made me believe that.  And that's just it, if dancing and wearing shorts used to separate you from God, and a clean record of holiness brought you closer to him then why in the world is there all this talk about God seeing the heart?

A man who is giving his life everyday to make sure that every heart has a chance, in a place where he could be killed for doing that was asked, "how can you say that those who have never even heard the name of Jesus will go to Hell when they die?"  That's something I have said many times!  And what he said in response was so amazing!  Sometimes it's not the answers we need to all of the carnal minded questions we have but the simple reminder of why we are here! I can't tell my daughter she will go to Hell if her shorts are too short or because she wants a tattoo.  Her bottom is covered much more than it would be in a swimming suit!  And she draws on herself everyday at school and no one thinks anything about it!  What would it do to the most sensitive amazing beautiful determined heart that is inside of her if I changed her focus at this stage in her life?  The wise man basically said, I am not the judge, only God can judge the heart, but I simply use the illustration that most likely these men have denied their creator and in that chosen to be eternally separated from God.  Us not knowing who has, who hasn't, and who simply has no idea should not leave us sitting here critical of where they deserve to spend eternity but should compel us to do everything in our power to see to it that they have a chance!!  To me that means this...if my daughter was about to fall off the side of a mountain and I knew there was a chance she would be able to catch a limb on the way down and be ok, I would not take a chance of that happening just to save my own life.

Another man said if you believe in this gospel message but you aren't willing to give your life to see it reach the lost then I question the fact that you even actually believe it.  I hear these men who speak of preachers that have been placed in boxes not big enough to even lay down in for 9 years, who have lost their limbs, their children, their lives, and it sickens me that as American Christians we have spent so much effort trying to keep the "good" people good and trying to change the "bad" people to be like us!  If I went to a foreign country and saw a man with 15 piercings, 20 tattoos, and only wearing a rag around one part of his body, do you think I would start my mission by saying, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir...you look like a freak, but God really loves you and you should be like me so you can go to Heaven some day!"?  I would never say that, but in our culture this is what we do in a sense.  We all have our views, our convictions, our pasts, our Grandparents who believe what they believe for whatever reason (and definitely have the right to teach us what they believe), but here I am, almost 33 years old, and I'm still amazed at how the Holy Spirit can take all that I think I am and have been and turn it into a pile of ashes in the very second that I think it may count for something.  Yes I was the "good" girl.  Yes I made the "right" choices.  But "I" am nothing and my life means nothing outside of the grace of God as well as all the other "good" people and all the other "bad" people!  I am not worthy of Heaven, I don't deserve to be loved by Jesus, but He loves me anyway.  God, help us all to remember that for our "heart" the standard will never change.  We must love you with every part and show others that none of us can prove our righteousness!  Remind us that there is one way to you and that is through the blood of Jesus Christ.  Give us the strength to live our lives willing to die so that the heart of another man, even ONE, would decide to love you.  And cover up our stupidity that this hurting world receives as hypocrisy.  God help me live in such a way that those who know me but don't know you will come to know you because they know me.  -Unknown    

Expecting results that do not reflect our actions

Danielle, from the movie Ever After said, "If you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners corrupted from infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded, sire, but that you first make thieves and then punish them?" This quote says a lot to me.  Not necessarily about thieves but anyone we choose to look down on; including our own children.  As your children grow up make sure what you are putting in is what you want to come out.  We can't wait on them hand and foot, giving them all of their desires at the drop of a hat, and expect to raise a strong, independent, responsible adult. If we laugh because they hit, slap, get angry and show cute little "fits of rage", as babies, we can't expect them to know how to handle conflict properly as they begin to grow up. If they only see and hear us pray at church we should never expect them to have a real relationship with Jesus; even if we do have our own “private time with God”. Do they know what that even means? If we simply sleep with them, or have them sleep with us, because they are afraid of the dark or have bad dreams, we can't expect their spirit to know how to rise up within them and cast out the fear that tries to control their life.  If we show no respect to the people in our house, no grace, no gentleness, no patience, no laughter, no peace, no commitment or no self discipline, we will raise our children to be exactly those kind of people.  If we say, "We can do this but you can't.", we are teaching them that the standard is lower for us as parents; which will cause them to "desire" the day when they get to lower the standard for themselves.   

It's so hard to do things the right way. We all mess up, as parents, every single day. We must get up and try again.  We have to think about the things we say and do.  Is that what we want to hear and see from our children? When we do mess up, we should tell them: 

1. I was wrong. 

2. I'm sorry. 

3. This is what I should have done instead. 

4. This is how I will work to change that. 

5. I love you and my mistakes have nothing to do the you. I am the only one responsible for what I say and do.

Aren't these the things we are trying to get our children to say to us? We must first show them how to say it. Even if we choose not to say it, receiving grace and mercy from our children is the easy part.  They are very forgiving, yay, BUT we are still is forming who they are and what they know to be true.  Here are some "truths" we are teaching them: 

Mommy tells Daddy it's ok for us when he already said no. Child thinks, "Score!!!!" What's now true for them? What Daddy says doesn't matter when Mommy's around.  

If Mommy says no candy and I keep asking she'll say yes.  Why do they think that?  Because we did that (me included)! The truth for them? Mommy doesn't really mean what she says. 

Child doesn’t understand how to do their homework. Daddy is in the middle of watching a ballgame. Child asks for help. Daddy says, “I think you are smart enough to figure it out! Just keep trying!” The truth for this child? Daddy thinks football is more important than me.  

If it's ok for my 5 year old to have a boyfriend, I can't expect that same child to not want one at 14. If they've already had 10 along the way, I can't expect their heart to be healthy enough to handle a relationship the right way because they will have already had many unnecessary rejections. If these events have been a part of that child's life since 5 years old, they now see themselves in a completely distorted way. The truth for that 5, 10, 14 year old girl? If someone breaks up with me, that means I'm not good enough. If someone doesn't ask me out, that means I'm not good enough.  No matter how much a parent speaks words of affirmation into a child's life, they weren't made to deal with that stuff at the same time in their lives as they were made to play pretend.

  If we want them to have a goal and reach it, we must have our own goals and be reaching them. If we feed them grapes and eat ice cream after they go to bed because we don't want them to be unhealthy like us, we can count on them eventually being unhealthy. Our actions prove what we believe is true, not our words! Truth for our children is only true, to them, when they see that we believe it with our actions. It's not just what they see us do or not do. It really is who we are that matters. We don't raise what we want, we raise who we are. 

Your children will be what you show them is ok to be when they see what's ok for you.  It's that simple.  Show them what's ok.  If you don't show them what's right, don't expect them to listen to your constant complaining about what they have become.  All they will do is look in the mirror, see YOU, despise the person they are and despise the person they see.

Being a Friend!

In May of 2004 I was writing to one of my students who was dealing with some hurtful girls that basically made her life harder every day.  I was trying to explain to her what it meant to be a friend and how she had no obligation to commit herself to those girls even though they called themselves her friends.  I told her this "Being a friend means believing in someone when no one else does.  It means loving them when they don't love you back.  It means forgiving them when they don't ask for it, and wanting the best for them when they don't deserve it."  I was trying to show her that she was being a friend to them but that what she was receiving in return was not friendship.

So tonight I've been thinking about a lot of things.  I feel sad because my friends who know me inside, who love me anyway:), and who want to be with me just as much as I want to be with them are so far away that it's just been year after year of non-stop wishing, hoping, dreaming that maybe someday we will actually end up in the same place.  And for me, as selfish as it may sound, childish even, I feel like maybe God doesn't even want me to have a person like that in my life.  I look back and remember each friend that I've had and of the ones that took no effort in making, I can probably count on one hand.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way but it's hard to overlook the fact that here I am back in that place again.  I am not in a lonely place.  I am married to my best friend in the entire world and I would rather be with him any day of the week than anyone else on earth.  And God has placed people in my life currently who have been there for me and I know honestly have my best interest at heart.  But as I look back on advice I actually gave to other girls, I am realizing how true it is...teenager or not.

Sadly, the ones who "click" from day one will be few and in my case, temporary.  The majority of the time we will have to be the friend who doesn't receive the friendship in return.  I think about all my friends in full-time ministry who give and give only to have smiles in their faces with knives in their backs.  I think about those that I honestly do wish the best for even though they don't deserve it and I wonder if they were ever meant to be a friend to me or if it was only me meant to be a friend to them.  It gets tiring to try to figure out if it's going to work out, if people even care or if they are just "doing" what they have been taught to do.  I wonder if my kids will notice how much effort it takes me to be real in not faking trying to make something come natural that probably never will but pray they don't.  I don't really expect anyone to understand what I just said:)  But it makes sense to me.

I am an only child who was raised with boy cousins and boy friends.  I sometimes just do not understand or honestly even want to figure out how women take so much work.  That's why it's so incredibly hard for me to lose the ones I do "get" that "get" me back.  And I realize how whiny this entire post sounds to most of you but it's how I feel.  Maybe just maybe someone else does too!

Either way though, be thankful for the people God brings your way.  Learn from them.  Don't expect too much.  Just give all you can and try to remember even in your humanness (which I am obviously feeling right now) there is a purpose for your life and the purpose is not to please you!

"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly" -Sanctus Real




Nothing without Jesus!
Suzanne 

I spend a lot of time thinking.  Thinking about what I've said or done or not said or not done.  I find myself reliving moments and trying to figure out how I could have done it better.  When I get a moment, that's what I find myself doing, thinking.  That's why I love writing so much.  I try not to say too much with my mouth.  Which seems ridiculous being that I am in ministry and should have a few answers.  Mostly because the speaking doesn't work out so well for me.  What goes on inside my head never really comes out through my mouth the same way.  Anybody else have that problem?  It's like I just need a minute to think about what's going on before I have any idea what to do or say back.  And the most frustrating thing for me in that moment is to have someone else say what they think I am thinking or trying to say.  But if I respond too soon, I find myself wishing I could have the moment back to just start all over. We watched a movie the other night where this guy took a drug that caused his brain to function at 100% and everything he had ever seen or heard was immediately just there and his brain knew exactly what to do.  It really made me wonder what all used to be inside of me.  Also wondered is it still there and my forgetful brain just....forgets it?  Although it seems possible, I would never for one use drugs but for another, I'm not so sure that God would want us to function at 100%.  I am definitely one of those people who think so much that I start scaring myself and doubting lots of things because the longer you think inside of your own brain, the more you realize you don't know that much.  Or maybe you are the opposite!  But for me, I've made it this far relying a lot more on God's direction than relying on what I know.  For many reasons I don't want to get into, school didn't do a whole lot for me.  Very sad to say that but it's true.  I hate reading, have a hard time listening for any extended period of time, knew too much about the people in authority over me, was always always extremely sleepy, and thought I would never use half of what they were trying to teach me. It's embarrassing.  But here I am telling you about it.  Why?  Because I've learned so much in the last 14 years of my life since being out of school that I can't help but think what if I had both, the knowledge I could have had from school and the knowledge I now have from life experiences.  Maybe I could have been everything God wanted me to be.  Not looking for sympathy or compliments of any kind.  I simply get frustrated with myself and my inability to be more.  And I have a dream life.  God has blessed me with everything I could have asked for.  It's not that I'm unhappy in the least bit.  I just want to BE more for everyone around me.  I want to say the right things in the moment.  Not have to sit down and think about it for an hour just to figure out my responses.  Or go back and apologize for saying the wrong thing. All of these are MY human natural feelings.  And my honesty coming out but as I am writing, I can hear the spirit of God saying to me, "Whether you can speak or not, I created your heart.  Whether you can read a full book and remember it or not, I have written your name in the Book of Life.  You are my child and the things of this earth will soon fade away, these will remain, faith hope and love!  The victory is mine not yours.  In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.  MY words are the words in your heart.  Not the words from a book.  Be faithful, your joy comes in the morning.  The morning is when you wake up.  Keep your eyes open and your joy will be ALL that this world could not give!  And now I am bawling because I'm reminded that every good and perfect gift comes from above.  The trials that we seem to face won't last.  And in the moment that we turn our eyes away from HIM and began to focus on our weakness is the moment that his spirit draws us back.  Our focus is what matters.  Whether we have failed our teachers, our parents, our children or ourselves, the only way to fail God is to turn our focus on our failures.  We are human.  We are nothing without Jesus!  But with him anything is possible.  This joy that I have, the world didn't give it and the world can't take it away!! :)  I want to leave you and myself (thanks God for reminding me of it:)) with one of my most favorite quotes:  "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care"

A world without...

Since your heart follows hard after what you treasure greatly, direct your heart to love your access before the Lord, that you can stay before Him, and that you can enjoy so much of His presence—because of His abundant grace.  -Barry Hall

I am sitting here wondering how much different our lives would be right now if we had never sold our first home just to make money to pay for bills we accrued because we bought our first home.  And then wondered what if we had never bought a first home.  Maybe we would be millionares!  LOL!!!  And then what if we hadn't had to have a bug man, a yard man, 200 channels on our TV that we never watched, 100 square feet more, just a little nicer neighborhood, and 4 different sets of living room furniture in 8 years because we couldn't find what we really wanted.  It's something to think about.  And I often say, we really didn't "spend" that much but somehow, we did.  We see so many young couples starting out with nothing but getting great jobs and because they have a great job now they can have it all.  INSTANTLY!!!  It's scary because the more you make, the more you spend.  And the more you spend, the more you want.  And the more you want, the less you can give.  And the less you give, the less you end up with!!!  Where was Dave Ramsey 13 years ago?! :)

We prayed for 6 years to have a baby and you know when I got pregnant?  The month after we became debt free (the first time)!  We love God with all of our hearts.  We ask him to direct our paths but we refuse to live in a world without if we don't have to.  We think if we go where He tells us to go we are doing good.  And we can take whatever we want to with us.  As long as we are "going" we are obeying.  Matthew 19:21 says :  Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  THEN come, follow me."  He didn't say, "Come on bring all your stuff, your debt, your greed, and your desires".  Jesus doesn't care if your yard is green or brown.  He definitely doesn't think it's more important to give your kids a massive amount of channels or even TV at all if you aren't giving to help someone else's kid have water today.  And I'm not hating on you, I'm talking about our story.  We have always been givers because we believe that's the only way but never been able to give what we should have been giving all along!


But the last 2 years God has done an AMAZING work in our lives.  And if I could go back I would do it all different.  After buying our 3rd home, and taxes going up, and our car going kurplunk, and having 3 kids, and back surgery, kidney stones, etc., we felt a pulling on our hearts that a change was coming.  We thought that meant a change in job/ministry.  We sold our house in 2 weeks and moved to an apartment to "wait on God".  Where are we going God?  What's up?  What do you have for us to do?  And little did we know, He was about to walk out on the water and ask us to come join him!  Our lives as we knew them were about to be over.  Our girls were not going to have a bow to match every outfit anymore!  Christmas was going to be about giving to others instead of making a plan to get everything on the list.  We weren't going to go eat every Sunday night after church, even when our girls would cry and say why, why, why.  We weren't going to Alabama, or Florida, or Texas, or some other new place where we would again get to pick out a new house!  We weren't GOING anywhere except out in the backyard to get our switch off the tree and hand it to God!!  In these past two years of saying NO to our desires and our girls', we have been at more peace than in all 13 and 1/2 years of marriage!  We have learned to once again hear God's voice and obey!  Psalm 37:4 says:  Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.  It doesn't mean you get what you want!  It means He will literally give you the actual desires.  And your desires will be His desires.  When this happens in your life you will be more free on the inside than you could ever imagine.  We are now a few months away from having one debt left.  And that's our car, which we are believing for that debt to be gone by the end of next year.  Which would be paying it off almost 4 years early.  


I debated whether to blog this or not.  But here's the thing.  The money we have is God's.  The house we have is God's.  Our vehicles, our furniture, our appliances, and the trees in our backyard, all God's.  We have truly given everything we have to Him and I want the world to know.  No we aren't perfect.  Yes we've made HUGE mistakes, but God is a merciful God and He is not in the business of sitting back and watching us fail.  Living in a world without at one time meant, no jet ski, no new shoes for this great new dress, no curtains from Pier One (even though they were on sale), not always eating out with our friends (because we never get to see them), & no HGTV:)!!  But now, my world without is a world without debt, without shame, without fear, without having to say no when a need is presented, without wondering if my kids will truly believe in what matters most when they grow up.  It's never about where God is taking you next!  It's about who you will be in the place He has put you!

Trusting God

One day as I was praying for my friend and her almost 2 year old baby boy, I became very upset and started writing "Trust". This baby developed an infection on his brain and was in the hospital for many weeks.  I had just had my baby girl a few months prior and couldn't imagine this happening to her.  I kept asking God "Why?"  "Why do things like this happen to babies?"  Although I never received a complete explanation, I feel that God spoke to me as I began to write.  As you read this next poem, remember one of two things.  If your children are healthy, thank God, and never take for granted the moments you share with them.  If your children aren't healthy, thank God that you were given the gift of life, and that you were never expected to deal with hard times on your own!

Trust


How will I ever see
The good in all of this


So many things I'd waited for
Are now the things I miss


That sparkle in his eyes
The sound of his sweet voice


I know that God is not to blame
But why is healing not his choice


When I kiss him
I can feel 
His heart loving mine


I don't know how
It all seems so hard
But he's going to be just fine


Is it like the day
I brought him home
And his eyes could hardly see me


But I held him and fed him and smiled
Because I knew
My baby boy he would always be


Can you really say
That unfortunate 
Is how you now see me


Because you've never held him in your arms
And you don't know what his future will be


Yes I'm sad and angry
And confused all in one


I've cried, prayed, and believed for so long
That my faith is almost gone


But if God is God
And I know that he is


Somehow someway
He will fix all of this


Maybe like I want him to
Wouldn't that be nice


But I've got to trust 
That he knows best
Without thinking twice


My prayers are different 
Than they used to be
And there's so much hurt inside me


But everyday I'm reminded
That I'm not in control
And never will be


My son is beautiful to me
In every way
Today tomorrow and forever
That's how he'll stay


I know who he is
And who he'll always be
No matter what our future is
We'll make it
Wait and see

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, until life gets too hard.... no...it actually says, and lean not on your own understanding:  in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5

That was back in 2004 and the little man was a survivor.  He has disabilities that have changed many things about that family's lifestyle but the point of my post is to remind us all that no matter what struggles come our way.  Fair or not, deserving or not, victory or not, we have a GOD that has the whole world in his hands.  Do not get overwhelmed with this life.  It's temporary!


Romans 5: 1-5  Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Just The Way You Are

I googled: songs about just the way you are.  There were at least 36 that I found.  Probably 1000's that actually mention loving someone for who they are.  We often hear people say, "I just want someone to love me for who I am!!"  Let's think about this for a minute.   Marriage today, is not what it used to be, or what it was intended to be.  I saw Courtney Cox on The Late Show the other night and she said something like this, You know Dave, David and I have always been a great example for a healthy lasting marriage in Hollywood.  But now we may just be a great example of how good two people can be when it doesn't work out.  Huh?.....Divorce today is too often a way out of something you think is too much work.  Just my opinion.  And I'm not basing that on ANY Hollywood relationship, it just got me thinking about the obvious.  I was talking to my mom the other day about a couple that has been together for many many years and you often wonder, what it is that keeps them together.  They have nothing in common, never show affection, always seem miserable, yet I know they will go to their graves, pretty much despising each other with the same ring on their finger they've had for the last 50 or 60 years.  And we, living in such a free spirited generation, debate that in our minds and hearts.  Even when we believe, because of our faith or maybe just because of our word (vows), that marriage was meant to last we still try to figure out what's better.  Getting out of something that is only making everyone unhappy or staying even though we are miserable because we said we would.

I saw this quote the other day:  The trouble with most of us is we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.  -Norman Vincent Peale  I wonder if he was married.  If I was a gambler I would bet he was.  It takes so much dedication to live with someone who sees your every flaw and when you are close enough to be able to tell each other those flaws well that just gets even harder.  You find yourself wanting to just be accepted for who you are, where you come from, what you believe, and how you do things.  And you don't want anyone telling you that you are wrong even when you know you are.  It feels good to be right.  It makes you think you are making it in life.  It gives you pride......wait a minute.....yep, I said pride! That's what it does.  And whether you want to admit it or not, pride in ourselves is the one thing that can destroy us long before a lack of "having something in common" will.  My thought is this:  If you find someone who will love you just the way you are, run!!!!!!!!!!!!  You can live your life chasing after those people who make you feel secure and affirmed or you can LISTEN.  Maybe you're not perfect:)  Maybe you don't do things the right way.  Maybe you need to change your attitude.  Maybe your kids do think you care about yourself more than you care about them.  It's hard to change who we are.  And not just because it takes too much effort but also because it takes admitting we are wrong.  Don't you think the reason half of all marriages end in divorce is because one or both refuse to change?

The couple I was referring to earlier who are miserably married also raised 4 children.  Only one of them has been married to the same person throughout their life.  Actually, only 1 of them are even married today.  And I wonder all the time, if those children have seen the misery so long that they refuse to live in it.  So whether they believe in marriage or not, their heart gets out before they end up the same bitter way.  What if those two people who refuse to get divorced honestly decided to listen to the other one and changed some things about themselves.  When you've lived with someone the way they are for that long, it wouldn't take much to make a big difference!!  And what if those children could see hope in that thing called LOVE!?  What if they believed that love is a choice not a feeling?  What if they could see that life is not just about you making me happy but me making you happy first?

I am not who I used to be and, thank God, I am not who I am going to be and if it weren't for my husband, I would only be worse than I used to be.  Jason, my husband, always says, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is how to learn."  I don't want someone to love me for who I am.  I want someone to love me enough to help me get better.  So many people decide that "for better or worse" really only means "for better".  And they continue to search for the one person who loves them the way they are.   Most of the time they don't even like themselves but they refuse to live with someone who tells them the truth.  If you have someone who tells you the truth about yourself, THANK GOD, and listen to them.  You can be a statistic, keep looking for someone who tells you what you want to hear, and die just like you are today.  You can stay with that same person, refuse to change, and both go to your grave miserable just because you said you would.  Or the REALITY is, you can admit that you're not an easy person to live with, you make mistakes, NO ONE is going to tell you that's ok, and let God continue to work in you as you reach for the ultimate goal of being like Jesus.  Anyone can work with someone they know is trying.  It's when we give up on each other and give up on ourselves that all hope is lost!